Joe Martino

Everyone Wins? Just for showing up? Part 3 of 5

I have a lot of things that I am excited to share with you over this upcoming year. But I'm kicking off the school year with a series that I did last year regarding what I think is a dangerous mentality of “everyone wins.” This series is designed to create some conversation on what it means to allow our children to lose and struggle and win. If you read it last year, maybe you’ll want to skip it…and then again you might enjoy it again. If you’re new to these parts maybe you’ll love it…or maybe you’ll hate it. We’ll see. Either way. Here is part three of five.

 

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Part one can be found here and part two can be found here.

There is a great scene in the animated movie, The Incredibles. The son Dash is being "encouraged" by his parents. One of his parents tells him that everyone is special. Under his breath he replies, "Then no one is."

We are stuck on this idea that everyone is exceptional, special and a winner.

Of course, if these things are true than no one is actually any of them. Some people are good at math, while others are good at stringing words together. Some people can sing, some can play sports, some can cook and clean. Some people can do amazing things with a pencil, others do amazing things with fire and sand.

Yes, we are all unique. Yes, we are all have skills, talents, and abilities that make us unique. But have we gone to far. Are we creating a generation of people that expect to win just for showing up? Personally, I think the answer to that question is yes.

I have a problem with this mentality. I think it is hurting our society. When I was a teacher, I would hear all the time about the unfairness of life. Student X was upset because she wasn't getting the playing time she deserved. Parent after parent would ask me how their child would get better if he or she did not play in the game. I would get the it's not fair that she or he practices as much as the other person and doesn't get to play. 

My daughter played soccer a number of years ago. She loved it. She wasn't very good. It's not a value judgement on her, it is simply a statement of fact as someone who has coached for a number of years. She might be god some day, but the truth is at this point I doubt it. She did not enjoy running, which is a rather critical component of soccer. She has moved onto dance. She loves it. I have no idea if she is good or not from a critical point of view but I love watching her. I love the ways her eyes shimmer when she talks about dance.

What is interesting to me is that she knew she wasn't very good. She still got the same ribbon as everyone else on her team. Just for showing up.

A friend of mine has a son that played on a baseball team. He batted a thousand for the season and scored every time he came to bat. I have no idea what that would make his slugging percentage but I would think it would be really high. You see, he played in a league where every time a batter hit the ball he or she ran all of the bases. Every time, no matter what. At the end of the season he got an award, just for showing up.

He was ill prepared for the next season when three strikes meant you were out.

When I worked as an athletic director, I instituted rules and guidelines for people to earn a letter in a sport. To that point in the schools history, simply showing up meant you made the team and earned a letter. One of my favorite student athletes failed to earn his letter while his older and younger brother did make it. Two girls on the women's basketball team also failed.

"But they really tried." "It's not fair." "He's really disappointed." "I don't like to see him hurt."

Essentially they could have just said, "Look, trying is enough."

Of course, this isn't really true. What about the people who applied for the same job opening that you did and didn't get it because you got it. What about the people who put a bid on the same house that you are now living in. Do you want them moving in because they really wanted the house?

What do you think? Do you think people are being taught that you win just for showing up? If not, why are you still reading this? :) If so, do you think that is a good or bad thing?

In the next post, I'll begin to explain the problems inherent in the idea of winning just for showing up.

Repost: Everyone wins part 2

Earlier this week, my kids went back to school. I started a new quarter. My wife is finishing one of her quarters. Little man Celli is continuing to prep to make his debut to this world. I decided that I  need to ease my way back into this blogging thing. I have a lot of things that I am excited to share with you over this upcoming year. But for this week, I am going to do a repost of a series that I did last year regarding what I think is a dangerous mentality of “everyone wins.” This series is designed to create some conversation on what it means to allow our children to lose and struggle and win. If you read it last year, maybe you’ll want to skip it…and then again you might enjoy it again. If you’re new to these parts maybe you’ll love it…or maybe you’ll hate it. We’ll see. Either way. Here is part one of five.

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Does it seem to you like in today’s society, everyone wins?  Do you feel like people get rewarded just for showing up now? Have you heard something like, “Hey the other team outscored you by fifteen runs but we want you to feel good about yourself, so you win too!”?

Yesterday I wrote about how I had a professor in graduate school who  would often ruminate on this idea. Today, I want to talk about what if he was wrong.  What I actually want to talk about is what if he was wrong about the idea that everyone should not win?  Should everyone win?

If everyone should win, aren’t there some other things that should be true too?

1. First, if he was wrong, there are hours of my life I’ve lost to this discussion. I’ll never get those hours back.
2. Secondly, if he was wrong  you probably do not want to be his kid. Think about how bad that would be! Think about all the trophies and medals you would lose out on.
3. If everyone wins, then shouldn’t everyone get paid the same? Shouldn’t the guy who’s put no time in going to school get paid the same as the guy who has done all the training and who has worked hard to learn more? Shouldn’t the woman who is only slightly skilled at her job get paid the same as the woman who is extremely skilled? To be fair, shouldn’t everyone get paid the same just for showing up? Shouldn’t management and labor get the same exact pay? Where do we limit our quest for fairness? Shouldn’t all students be simply given a pass/fail? Forget grades.

Obviously, I think he’s right. I think our society is constantly moving towards an everyone should win mentality. I also think it is having negative effects on our children and society.

 

Tomorrow, I will discuss why I think he’s right. I’ll offer some anecdotal evidence and some clinical evidence.

 

Repost: Everyone Wins? Just for showing up? Part 1 of 5

Today is my kids first day back to school. I start a new quarter. My wife is finishing one of her quarters. Little man Celli is continuing to prep to make his debut to this world. I need to ease my way back into this blogging thing. I have a lot of things that I am excited to share with you over this upcoming year. But for this week, I am going to do a repost of a series that I did last year regarding what I think is a dangerous mentality of “everyone wins.” This series is designed to create some conversation on what it means to allow our children to lose and struggle and win. If you read it last year, maybe you’ll want to skip it…and then again you might enjoy it again. If you’re new to these parts maybe you’ll love it…or maybe you’ll hate it. We’ll see. Either way. Here is part one of five.

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In graduate school I had to take extra classes because of the institution that I attended. Many of these extra classes were put together in a string. One of those strings was a connection of three theology classes. Normally, these classes would be have been taught by three different professors. Due to a confluence of events, I had the same professor for all three.

Like all things, this had positives and negatives. One of the consequences of this was the fact that as a student I tended to hear the same rants again and again. Doing an unscientific evaluation of my time, I am guessing that about three hours of my life was spent listening to rants about “everyone winning.”

My professor’s basic complaint  was that everyone wins today and that is having terrible effects on our children and society as a whole. He was so passionate about it that often the conversations would spill over into the hallway after class or during break.

This lead to some good questions.

1. What if he was wrong?
2. What if he was right?
3. What are the consequences of it?
4. What is the cause?
5. What can we do about it?
6. Should we do anything about it?

I think this is a worthy discussion for anyone to have, especially anyone who works with kids or has children. There can be little doubt that if he is right, there are consequences. It is reasonable to examine those consequences and ponder their effect on our children.

My next post will deal with the question of what if he was wrong.

5 lessons learned (too late?)

As part of our practice, we get Psychology Today every other month. The latest issue has an article in it that I cannot find online but that I found to be very interesting. According to the author, there are five life lessons we all need to learn and typically don't.

According to Dr. Elizabeth Svoboda we need to learn these five lessons.

1. The role of radical acceptance:You can't fix the ones you love so focus on fixing yourself. The author takes this to every relationship in our life.
2. The beuty of benign neglect: It is more harmful to overparent than to underparent.
3. Opposites don't attract forever: Seek a mate whose values and background echo your own.
4. Social networks matter: The strength of your friendships is as critical for your health as the lifestyle choices you make.
5. Lust diminishes but love remains: Being inured with your partner isn't the same as being out of love.
   

What do you think of this list on the face of it? I realize it is somewhat unfair to ask you to judge an article without reading it, but I can't find it online yet so you'll have to work with me. Thanks. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Connecting the dots for our children

One of things that parents complain to me about is that their kids don’t seem to understand _______________. 

Once, I get past the frustration level, what I usually find is that parents are bothered by the facts that their kids don’t think like little adults. They are frustrated because their kids don’t seem to have the ability to think through the possible consequences of their actions. Their children struggle to connect the dots between actions and consequences. Their kids fail to see the value in a hard work ethic.

Often, it seems that the parents assume their kids should see the world they way they do.

But is this realistic? Do you (or they) view the world the same way you did five years ago? How about 2 years ago?

My fundamental assumption about parenting is that a parents number one responsibility is to teach.

Teaching is about helping our kids learn to connect the dots from actions to consequences. Most of the time, they don’t do that naturally. Sadly, most of the time, discipline is about punishment and not teaching.

It may be because of our get everything done now society but too often we fail to teach our children to consider the consequences of their actions and ask themselves if they want those consequences

We assume that they’ve already done this. Then we become frustrated. Maybe we should expect kids to be kids and plan accordingly. In other words, teach them about consequences without getting frustrated.  What does this look like in real life?

Well, here’s a few steps to do this right now with your children.

1. Have very clear expectations. If they have chores. Have a due date time on them. If they make the deadline, do they get a reward? What about if they make the deadline for a defined amount of time?
2. Have very clear consequences. If they fail to make the deadline, what happens. Have this clearly stated ahead of time. If they fail to turn in all of their homework this quarter and the teacher reports it to you, what is consequence?
3. Empower your children to choose. Expect them to be kids. IT is unreasonable to expect a 10 year old to act like a 15 year old. That doesn’t mean you have to accept poor behavior, it does mean you need be able to know the difference between the two.
4. Teach your child to negotiate. This is a skill that will be important in their life as an adult. It will help them to feel heard by you. Teach them the right way to negotiate with you regarding responsibilities.
5. As much as possible, explain to your child the benefits of what your wanting them to do? Why is it important? What are you trying to teach them?
6. Check your own emotions. Are you frustrated with your child, or with your boss and your child’s getting the brunt of it? Does your child remind you of something in you that you don’t like and you’re reacting to that

Should we focus on our spouse or children more?

Continuing on with the idea of looking at other people's writings for some conversation fodder. I thought we would visit my friend Dean Dorman's blog. Dean is a local therapist and I have the privilege of calling this skilled clinician a friend.

He has a book coming out in the not so distant future about relationships, resentment and intimacy. Below is a section of the book regarding our focus. Should it be on our kids or on our spouse? Does it matter? This is obviously a hot topic and usually the argument can be charted on an age continuum. Dean's take is fairly plain and in my opinion dead on target. It's long, but well worth the read. Enjoy.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that if your relationship starts to deteriorate you should fill the void with more focus on the children. This feels natural but it doesn’t work. It is at these times that couples need to focus on their marriage. If you love your children you will not focus on them during these difficult times. You need to give them the benefit of two parents that love them; a couple that is there for them. Emotionally and financially supporting a family has never been more difficult.

Two people who are in love and care for each other become the model that the children see for a healthy marriage. They become what their children will remember for how two people should talk to each other and interact. There are a lot of poor models out there that children see on a regular basis. Let your children see two people who are the leaders of the home. Yes, they argue, but they are respectful and resolve their differences. They carve time out for themselves. This is not selfish. This is the very self-­‐care that is important in maintaining the integrity of the family. When couples carve time out for themselves, it communicates that each is still important.

Once children sense that you and your mate are intact, you can make difficult parenting decisions. Many of these decisions will not be popular, but they need to be made. I see this in the healthiest couples. They stay connected because they carve time out for themselves. They take vacations without their children sometimes; even if some nay-­‐sayers judge them. Look, everyone knows what kind of parent you are anyway. Trust me. People can see if you are selfish or self-­‐less by all the other interactions they have with you. Trust yourself. Carving out time for the couple will pay dividends both when the children are in the home and when they have moved on. Work on maintaining the connection and the rest will follow. Your children will see you as a leadership team; not two people who share the same space but whom they can play one against the other. They will know that you’re too tight and too connected to even try that strategy. They know that you talk everyday, several times a day, and that they can’t get anything past you. This holds your children to a different standard. They know that they have to take responsibility for their own behavior because there will be no way to escape or avoid it. And they will realize early on that they can’t drive a wedge between the two of you. And don’t worry if you and your spouse have been alienated in the past. The perception that you and your spouse are “together on this” can still be instilled in one’s children even if there have been periods where the both of you haven’t been close.

Remember, if you are successful in your quest to stay connected, you will stay married. Nothing is more important to the health of your children than staying married. When researchers ask young girls why they didn’t get pregnant or experiment with sex early in their teens, their response is consistent. When girls have a father at home that they have a good relationship with, this keeps them from being needy for acceptance and affection elsewhere. They also say that they would not want to lose their father’s respect, so they make difficult choices to maintain their father’s approval. Carve out time for your marriage; it will pay dividends in the long run. Carve out a date night. Carve out time away from the children to walk or talk. Couples need to maintain communication so that their children know they truly love them.

What do you think? Do you agree? Do you disagree? If you decide to answer do me a favor and tell me your age in decades (24=20's, 34=30's etc) and tell me how many children you have and how long you've been married.

 

Is Divorce selfish?

So I have been unable to get any of my own posts up this week. The good news is that our business is extremely busy and there are so many wonderful projects going on that I am literally running from one project to another.

That coupled with school, coupled with family has meant that my blogging has suffered. I have still had the privilege of being involved with a number of really good and interesting discussion lately on various topics. One of them has been on this blog post.

I confess I don't know much about the author, but she suggests that divorce is inherently selfish. The comments are really interesting. Her reasons for her position are really interesting to me as well. Some of her provocative statements in the post are the following:

I see divorce in every story. For example, as soon as I heard about the school shootings in Chardon, OH, I got stuck on the fact that the kid’s parents had just gotten a divorce and left him with his grandparents. I blame the parents.

I’ve heard those things so many times. From parents who are getting a divorce who are full of shit

This one is really provocative

Divorce is for people who can’t think ahead enough to realize that the cost to the kids is so high that it’s not worth the benefits the parents get.

Because divorce is the ultimate example of just running away. And, while your kids probably will not pull out a gun in the school cafeteria, long-term sadness and a lingering inability to connect to other people is an irrefutable result of divorce. It’s something that you can prevent.

I interact with people in various stages of a relationship with divorce. Some are headed that way. Some are coming back from it. Some are pondering it. Some have lived through it. Whenever the topic comes up, the discussion is usually pretty intense. You can read her whole post by going here.

But then I'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you think about what she is writing? I saw this on a Facebook page and the back and forth was amazing.

P.S. If you do comment there, please don't attack her personally. Feel free to agree or disagree with her position but leave the person out of it.

 

A secret guaranteed to improve every relationship in your life

Occasionally, I run into people who will ask me if I know of "one thing" that will improve their marriage? Isn't there "one thing" we can do that will save our marriage. I almost always tell them no.

Then I proceed to tell them that there is many things that they can do that will improve their relationship. I also tell them there is one thing that often really helps a relationship improve no matter where it is in terms of health.

If you do this one thing, consistently it will work. It's guaranteed to work if you stick with it and do it long enough.

If you want your relationship to improve you need to find positive things to focus on with your partner. You must speak words of affirmation to your spouse regularly.

An ancient writer wrote that the tongue has the power of life and death.

I believe that you literally speak meaning into people. If you focus on your spouses shortcomings, those shortcomings will increase. If you focus on your spouses strengths they will increase. The more thankful you are to your spouse for the things they are doing or trying to do (even if they are not done to your exacting standards) the more they will try to do.

Be genuine in your praise but work hard to find many things that you can praise your spouse for. Don't talk about just what they are or were but what they can become. Share with them why you fell in love with them. Do this regularly. When they do something that is positive, praise it.

Tell them thank you.

It seems crazy, right? But does it? Think about your own life. Are you more motivated by criticism or by praise? Are you more likely to think positively of someone who finds reasons to praise you or someone who is constantly being negative with you. We all make mistakes. We all have shortcomings. Almost everyone is desperately insecure and in need of affirmation.

When you become that source of genuine affirmation you will improve the relationship guaranteed.

Children, Kids, kids, Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Therapy, Parenting, parenting, parents, Parents, Relationships

Shoot a computer, shame your daughter and drag kids around so they can really learn: or other ways to stupidly parent

There is a man named David Hughes who has shared a picture on Facebook that has gone viral. Judging by the comments, it is only going to gain in popularity. I am sure that Mr. Hughes is a nice man, with strong values and this post isn't about him. I simply wanted to give him credit.

Recently there was another viral video that went around facebook. You can watch it at the end of this post. Warning: NSFW language.

I hate these types of things. I understand them, but I hate them.

I detest the picture (seen above) because it perpetuates the myth that violence is the only way we can shape our children. This is wrong. It also perpetuates the lie that 20 years ago, or 30 or 40 or however many ago, you were "drug" around there wasn't a drug problem. Kids were all well behaved. They certainly were not like kids today! Champaign fell from the heavens, stars burst into firework displays, flowers burst forth from the ground as everyone walked to church and wholesomeness. The reason for this social Utopia? Well, because we could beat our kids if we needed to do so, of course!

Can I use a good country term for a minute? Hogwash!

We have enough violence for children today. Here are some sobering statistics:

 

• A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds
• More than five children die every day as a result of child abuse.
• Approximately 80% of children that die from abuse are under the age of 4.
• It is estimated that between 50-60% of child fatalities due to maltreatment are not recorded as such on death certificates.More than 90% of juvenile sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator in some way.
• Child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.
• About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
• About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.

All of these numbers are taken from the web-page, childhelp.org.   

 

• Five children die everyday in America from abuse
• Abused children are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy

We have enough violence. We don't need more. We don't need to drag anyone. Does anyone remember the seventies and eighties? We had drug problems then too. We had kids out of control then too. Mostly because society didn't want to do the hard work of actually parenting. Do we need to discipline our kids? Of course. I'm not advocating for some type of free for all, do what you want world.

But, I am advocating for...no I am begging for people to stop glorifying violence and shame as a necessary means of discipline. That's my problem with the video below. He's trying to shame his child into a better way of living. He's throwing a temper tantrum. He's saying, "You hurt me, you shamed me so I'm going to repay your evil with evil of my own and it's OK because I'm the Dad." That's wrong.

Let me be clear, I am not against him shooting up the computer. He's an adult (despite his infant like temper tantrum) and he seems to be more than capable with the gun. I have no problem with that. He owns the computer (I assume) and he can do with it as he sees fit. He can take it from her and set if on fire for all that I care. But, and this is important, he crossed a simple line when he made it into a video so he could shame her. His actions demonstrate that he is more interested in humiliating her than he is in actually teaching her.

Let me also say that I don't know this family but I wonder where he thinks she got her values (remember our children learn the values we live, not the ones we speak). I wonder why he thinks he can't get up and get his own coffee or clean up the mud that he drags into the house. He laments her cursing as he curses throughout the entire post.

What really bugs me about this post is that my friends who claim to be followers of Christ think this is a good idea. They hold this video up as some sort of parenting virtue. When God wrote don't repay evil with evil, He either meant it or he didn't.

Was this girl wrong? Yes. Was he wrong too? Yes. There must be a better way to raise children. He's teaching that it's OK to be disrespectful if you are the one in authority. It's OK to be a jerk if have the power. This is wrong. It goes against the way of Jesus and it goes against effective parenting. Her wrong doesn't make his wrong right.

 

 

Parenting to teach, not just stop behavior

Yesterday I wrote about why I don’t believe sandwich sign parenting will work. The day before I wrote about three levels of thinking and how I believe our parenting needs to move to a level beyond punishment as a motivation. One of the readers asked a great question. He asked, What does this look like in real life practically speaking? I answered that question in my next comment but I think it’s a great question that deserves an answer here. Every time we correct our children should involve a debrief or processing time at some point. It doesn’t have to be immediate but at some point we need to make sure our children understand why we did what we did. A good debrief includes four things. It communicates:

1. What they did wrong.
2. What they could have done instead.
3. Why it matters
4. That this discipline did not change the amount of love you have for them

So often we think that the kids simply know. We believe that they make the connections on their own. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Regardless, having a processing time helps you and them to consider their actions on a moral level. The more you do this, the more it will “wire” their brain to do it.

What they did wrong.  Ask them if they know what they did wrong. Most of the time they will. Listen to how they verbalize it. Ask them why they did it. Help them look inside and identify their own thoughts and feelings. Use feelings words and thinking words. Instead of saying, “You hit your sister because you were angry!” Say, “I think you hit your sister because you were angry.” Instead of “You didn’t brush your teeth because you're a rebellious human being depraved who needs Jesus!” Say, “I feel like you didn’t brush your teeth because you wanted to play longer before bedtime.” Give them the opportunity to agree or disagree. If they disagree you can go through the first part of the process again. When they agree, you can then instruct them on the idea of rebellion, obedience, authority, good dental hygiene etc.         Avoid name calling. This seems so simple but I see so many parents do it without realizing it. They say things that attack the child and not the action. This usually happens when they are reacting and not being proactive but the scars of those words can last for a long time. The problem is not your child, it is the action or lack of action. Focus on that. Ask yourself if you are modeling the behavior that you don’t want your child to be doing. For instance, when I was younger we actually had house phones. Every adult I knew would tell you that lying was bad. But, if I had a dime for every time I heard an adult tell their child, “If that is for me, tell them I’m not home.” This taught all of us that lying is not always wrong, sometimes, it’s situational.

Help them identify what they could have done differently Be specific here. Get input from them. Help them to be part of the solution. What could they have done differently in the situation? Sometimes, it is as simple as having done what you asked them to do. Maybe they could have asked you for help or they could have asked for a longer time frame to get it done. Maybe they could have done a thousand other things. Help them to identify a few. This is especially helpful when you have a child that is struggling with impulse control. Maybe your five year old is throwing temper tantrums. What else could they do when they are extremely frustrated or angry? What would you like to see them to do? Don’t dismiss their ideas or feelings. Rather work at helping them view their beliefs about those ideas and feelings critically.

Tell them why it matters Why is what they did or didn’t do important? Why was it so important that they would be disciplined for doing or not doing it? What part of their character are you working on developing? How does this help them to be the type of adult you want them to become? This is where teaching about doing right for the sake of right is discussed. Why is it important that my child talks politely to my wife? Why is it OK for my daughter to ask clarification questions when she doesn’t understand what I’m saying or doing when we’re at home but not when we are at the grocery store talking to another adult? Why does it matter that your two year old brush his teeth every night? Why does it matter at all? Why does it matter if your child is lying?

That this discipline did not change the amount of love you have for them. Again, this seems like a no brainer but the truth is that it may not be. If you have violated some simple rules of good communication, this will be a good time to say your sorry. Maybe some self-disclosure would be good here. “You know, sometimes Daddy gets angry and wants to say things that he should not say too” or “Sometimes, mommy gets so frustrated she actually sees red.” Discipline is not about changing about one behavior, it is a part of creating and building a whole human. Tell your kids that nothing they do can ever change how much you love them. Tell them that every day. Especially tell them that when they are being disciplined. Sometimes, perhaps often, discipline is done in anger, which the child interprets as meaning there is something wrong with them. It is important that we express the truth that it is their actions that bother us not them. Use discipline time as an opportunity to grow your child beyond someone who is concerned with consequences only. Show them the best way to live. Show them how to do right simply because it is right. This opportunity will not always come immediately after the discipline intervention but it should happen within 24-36 hours.