I want to answer one of the most common questions about my marriage conference.
4 entries from March 2016
Faith is problematic because it requires us to embrace the mess. In the rawness of faith, we must embrace the idea that there things we cannot see and hope means we may have to wait.
Waiting is often hard and sometimes, painful.
But faith and hope are worth it.
To a greater or lesser degree, all people suffer from inadequacies of their flexible response systems. Much of the work of psychotherapy consists of attempting to help our patients allow or make their response systems become more flexible.
Peck, M. Scott
When stress enters the narratives of a relationship, people are often tempted to try and jump directly to problem solving. This is problematic because they are often not in the right place to effectively problem solve. Try the two steps listed below, first.
Three Things that Every Healthy Couple Does:
1. De-escalate stress points.
In every fight there comes a "jump off" point where the fight begins in earnest. Usually, there are stress factors that precede the fight and each person escalates. These escalation points usually come from both the other person (inside the relationship) and other forces (outside the relationship). Successful couples know how to de-escalate this process so that they can tolerate the stress of the situation.
2. Tolerate the stress.
The good news is that you can't de-escalate for the other person. The bad news is that you can't de-escalate for the other person. You can only de-escalate yourself. The trick is to do this to the point that you can talk to the other person. You want to be able to calm yourself in order that you can hear and help the other person hear you. This allows you to problem solve as a team.
3. Problem solve.
Problem solving as a team helps to build emotional security. It also helps to avoid emotional scars that often last long after the original point of contention is forgotten.
So how are you doing at these three skills? Do you want to do better? Then register today for this years marriage conference and I'll teach you ways to develop these skills. Even if you think, "Hey, we're OK at this stuff," I'll help you get better.
*** Please note this post was originally posted early in 2017. If you are interested in going to a 2018 Conference be sure to like our Facebook page or subscribe to this blog's RSS feed by adding your email in the subscribe button. You can also add your email to our mailing list by commenting below or sending us a Facebook message.