It's been an interesting couple of weeks at my house. It seems almost every area of our life is in some sort of transition. The start of the year has been somewhat hard.
So last Saturday, we decided on a whim to go to a local eatery for wings.
The food was good, the service was extremely slow. This lead to a continuing conversation about conflict, fear and life.
My wife commented that she sees so many people who become the things they most said they didn't want to become in life.
In other words, the person focused on not being their mom, will often become their mom. My kids asked if I agreed with her and I told them that I did, without reservation.
They wanted to know why I thought this was so. I told them that I thought focusing purely on what you don't want to become is not enough.
You need something more than what you don't want to become. You need to know what you want to become, and why you want to become it.
If you have pain from someone else (and invariably, almost all of us do), you need to process it.
Ignoring it. Glossing over it. Embellishing it. Worshiping it. Getting comfort from it.
Anything other than processing it, will lead to becoming someone who transmits the same types of pain to others.
So, let's say a person focuses on not being their Dad and they choose behaviors that are the exact opposite of their Dad, but never forgive their Dad and process through the pain he caused them, that person will transmit that pain to those they love.
You need focus and forgiveness.
Without forgiveness, there will be little process. Without process, there will be little forgiveness.
You have to engage in both to truly experience change.
Forgiveness helps us deal with the past.
Process allows us to the focus on the future.
In focusing on the future, we shape our present. This is why we must examine what we are focusing on. If you don't focus on what you want to become (your future), you will become whatever you are focusing on.
Often, that is our past. Especially, when our past has unprocessed hurts.
So what about you? What hurts from your past have you not processed? Who do you need to forgive? What are you focusing on? Who do you want to become?