5 posts categorized "Joe Knows" Feed

Joe Knows #3,

This week Maggie writes,
“Dear Joe,
I am a 27yo female who just started dating a 35yo. We’ve known each other for the three weeks. He has said that he knew I was the one from the very first moment. I really like him too and think that I could love him. He sometimes blows up my phone and is a little too clingy and yet at other times, he can be really standoffish but I figure this is because he’s been single for a really long time. My friends are all freaking out and seem to think that I’m moving ‘way too fast.’ I don’t know, I think we’re just moving along and we might love each other for ever. My family loves him. His family loves me. I think when you know, you know and then you can’t move too fast. What do you think? “
~Maggie in Michigan
What would you tell her? You can answer here in the comments or you can join the conversation on my Facebook page here.

Joe Knows #2: Teen in the home edition

Here's the second installment answer for Joe Knows. The original post can be found here. Joe Knows is your chance to ask a therapist any question you want to ask but don't want to pay to find the answer.

Here’s how it works:

  1. People submit a question.
  2. A question is chosen at random by someone associated with me (or me) solely at our discretion.
  3. The question is posted and you our readers are given a week to answer and offer advice.
  4. One week after the original posting, I will post an answer either via video or written blog post.

Here’s last week’s question:

Hi Joe,

My wife and I have four children. Our oldest is 19. She won't do anything around the house. She has a job that she's kept for three months now, which is the longest she's ever had a job. She sleeps until noon most days and won't keep our rules regarding curfew. I'm tired of beating my head against the wall. I threaten her and end up taking almost everything away. Nothing  has worked. Her mother, who is my wife, wants to put her on medication but I don't think that's necessary. What do you think? Help.


Tired Father

My Answer:

Hi Tired Father,

It sounds like you're having a hard time adjusting to an older adult. I'm sure that's frustrating. It sounds to me as though you and your daughter are struggling with an issue of unclear and therefore un-agreed upon expectations. Unfortunately, I don't know enough of your situation to really address your child's work ethic or history. It sounds like you might have some concerns about that. Three months is a good amount of time to have kept a job. I would be curious as to how many jobs she's had. Why is this a concern for you.

As for the medication. I am uncertain why they would be necessary based on what you told me about the situation. Does your wife believe that your daughter sleeps in because she is depressed? She might just be sleeping because of the schedule she is keeping? At the end of reading your submission, I realized I simply don't have enough information to be helpful beyond the truth that I think you, your wife, and your daughter need to sit down and have a conversation a what the expectations are for her living in the house. You all need to come to an agreement about those expectations. You also need to come an expectation about what happens when those expectations are not met. These should involve what is expected of you and your wife as well as your daughter.

I wish you the best as you have this conversation and hope that it alleviates some of the current stress.

If you'd like to submit a question to Joe Knows, please do so on my Facebook page, www.facebook.com/joemartinocounseling 

You can also find the next question on that page tonight at 8:37pm EST.


Joe Knows. The Vacation Question

Here's our first answer for Joe Knows. The original post can be found here. Joe Knows is your chance to ask a therpist any question you want to ask but don't want to pay to find the answer.

Here’s how it works:

  1. People submit a question.
  2. A question is chosen at random by someone associated with me (or me) solely at our discretion.
  3. The question is posted and you our readers are given a week to answer and offer advice.
  4. One week after the original posting, I will post an answer either via video or written blog post.

Here’s last week’s question:

My husband and I disagree on the importance of vacations. He doesn’t think they are necessary and I do. Before we had kids, it wasn’t as big of a deal because I could just take a few days away for myself. But now that we have kids, I really want us to do these as a family because I want my kids to have those memories. My husband says that I am being silly and that we can make perfectly fine memories without leaving our house. It’s not that we can’t afford a vacation. We can, my husband just doesn’t want to spend money that he could be using to pay off debt for vacations. I think we need some balance. Help!

~Frustrated in Michigan

My response:

Hi Frustrated,

I can see how this would be a frustrating situation. Vacations can be an important way to create sacred spaces and connecting rituals for families. These have been identified as two necessary ingredients to help a family. I think you both have to consider a few things.

  1. First of all, I think all couples should consider how they can compromise in a situation of conflict. What is your husband’s real issue with vacation? How does he recharge? What does he do for down time? Can he articulate what you want out of vacations and why you think they are important? Does he agree or disagree with you regarding those thoughts. Once you have all of these answers, can the two of you find a way for mutual agreement? Rather than seeing the situation as an “either/or” can you view it as a “both/and”? In other words, can you handle his stressors and accomplish your goals at the same time? For instance, if his concerns are money related and you agree with him that money is tight in regards to this, how can you budget for future vacations while agreeing to do local things in your area for one or two days? One of our commenters posted a link to a nice and affordably priced campsite.
  2. How does he want to connect with your children? Can you incorporate those desires into your vacation plans?
  3. Lastly, Can you come to some sort of time compromise? Would it be possible for you to strike an if/then agreement? If you agree to do it the way he would like this year, would he be willing to do it the way you would like next year? If you can put together a vacation on his budget, then would he be willing to go?

Of course, I am biased toward the idea of having a non-biased third party enter into the conversation in order to help you delve a little deeper into what might be really going on in your relationship. You might want to find a counselor in your area and spend a few sessions with them discussing these things.

Good luck and thanks for writing in.

If you have a question that you’d like to submit to Joe Knows, send me a message on my Facebook page.

 


Joe Knows: Question #2

I will be posting my answer to last week's Joe Knows question on Wednesday. You can find last week's question here. We've had some great answers given to last week's question regarding family vacations.

Here's this week's question:

Hi Joe,

My wife and I have four children. Our oldest is 19. She won't do anything around the house. She has a job that she's kept for three months now, which is the longest she's ever had a job. She sleeps untill noon most days and won't keep our rules regarding curfew. I'm tired of beating my head against the wall. I threaten her and end up taking almost everything away. Nothing's worked. Her mother, who is my wife, wants to put her on medication but I don't think that's necessary. What do you think? Help.

~Tired Father

What do you think my friends? What advice would you offer this tired father? Be sure to check back on Wednesday for my answer to last week's question.

 


Joe Knows! Question #1

Our first question has been selected for Joe Knows. Here’s how it works:

  1. People submit a question.
  2. A question is chosen at random by someone associated with me (or me) solely at our discretion.
  3. The question is posted and you our readers are given a week to answer and offer advice.
  4. One week after the original posting, I will post an answer either via video or written blog post.

Here’s this week’s question:

My husband and I disagree on the importance of vacations. He doesn’t think they are necessary and I do. Before we had kids, it wasn’t as big of a deal because I could just take a few days away for myself. But now that we have kids, I really want us to do these as a family because I want my kids to have those memories. My husband says that I am being silly and that we can make perfectly fine memories without leaving our house. It’s not that we can’t afford a vacation. We can, my husband just doesn’t want to spend money that he could be using to pay off debt for vacations. I think we need some balance. Help!

~Frustrated in Michigan

So what do you think my friends? What advice would you give this woman? Remember, please be nice and kind. I’ll post my answer next week. In the interim, feel free to keep sending me questions.